Spread the Love, Shovel the Shi’


I Could Have Been A Contender

What a MAD MAD week here on Knicker Island!

My butler Richie B, has been entertaining a few billionaires, and of course, ensuring they get a POWER coaching session with the Master of Tosh himself, Moi!

First up was some guy called Ronald Tramp. Apparently he’s in a real state. Perfect stressed client alert! What a funny guy though. We chewed the fatwa for a bit, in which he told me about his Apprenticeship and then he said, (I’ll never forget,) “Who are you?” Oh how we laughed.
Anyway, he was the first to tell me the importance of Spreading the Love ❤ ❤ ❤


Kissing My Ring Piece

Now I know how to spread the love wherever I go. I let people kiss my gold guru ring piece, have photos with me (as long as there is a step to stand on) and will even sign my book for them, provided they have paid the full RRP. Also, Peggy has told you recently about my bedroom superiority in the excerpt from her upcoming book, Living with the World’s Greatest Entrapraner, AND I am a regular visitor to Milf&Honey.com. So I get the Spread the Love strategy. ❤

Next up in my POWER coaching session was a guy called Bis Morgen.
He was an extremely successful and influential Journalist and TV Bloke, or so he said. But he was out of work and looking for a J.O.B. I just had to help him get back on his feet. Living in exile is tough. There is a distinct lack of sycophants here on the island, so this was my chance to grow the pool. POWER coaching method 101 locked and loaded!

Bis and I shared some personal, touching moments before we started to list out the things he should START, and things he should STOP. He wanted to continue with phone tapping his favourite beats because it had got him many leads in the past, However, I persuaded him that this was now Old School. Suddenly, he went into a transindental dance and started exclaiming “It wasn’t me Sir!” followed by “It was Tarquin Sir!”

This freaked me a little, as clearly he’d had some dreadful experiences in his life. But I had long learnt to ignore people’s history, unless it helped me to UpSell them.


Bis Gets Als Ice Bucket

I emptied Als bucket of ice cold water over him which instantly bought him back to us on Knicker Island. I asked him about his exclamations and he explained his “Always Blame Someone Else” principle that he had learned at school. Since working as the No.1 gutter press journalist, he had developed his thoughts to Keep Calm and Shovel the Shi’.

This was a moment of distinction. This was a GAME CHANGER. Being a Creator, Star and Lord, I put Ronald and Bis together. From now on. I was going to Spread My Love and Shovel Shi’ everywhere I went. It was Yin and Yang. It was balanced. It fit with my long held beliefs. All my business failures, every piece of bad advice I had given, the promises I had made, and not delivered, all fitted into the Spread the Shi’ and Love the Shovel principle.

What a Genius I am. I am a God!

Soooo, expect some Webinars, DVD’s and Workshops to buy soon my Purple Posse!

❤ ❤ ❤


MakeUp Secrets & The First Law of Wealth



BIG SECRET reveal coming later in this post. It WILL rock your cotton socks off, GUARANTEED, 1001%.

Just make sure you are sitting down before reading this! If you are one of the 87.1% of people who check their email and Facebook posts on the toilet – please hold your device over the safety net of your underwear.

I want to let you into a secret about secrets. It’s no secret that the best thing about secrets is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby adding another secret to your secret collection of secrets, secretly. Therefore, it’s about secretion, or more precisely, it’s about how you share and manage your secretions with others.

It’s an established, well known, scientific fact, that secrets SELL. It’s not the secret itself that will make you wealthy, it’s revealing the secret that has the greenbacks rolling in.

For example, Rhonda Byrne’s book, The Secret, also on film, contained a lot of twaddle she copied from Wallace Wattles book, The Science of Getting Rich, written in 1910 when science was in the dark ages. Back then surgical operations were done without anaesthesia by Barber shop quartets, everyone thought the world was a flatbread and, like, like, Facebook hadn’t even been invented.


Line ‘Em Up Barkeep’

Byrne says that you can align the stars and the planets in our Universe using a special positive vibration that uses the scientific (titter) Law of Attraction. When you do this, the Universe works FOR you, rather than against you.

Now I’m no brain surgeon, but being THE Master of Tosh, I smell something toshy.

Everyone knows these days of course, that the Hubble Bubble Space Telescope is responsible for Universal events like eclipses, supernova, and the stars aligning into animal shapes. It’s no coincidence that we are seeing more since it’s launch in 1990. So unless you have a direct line to the man in the telescope, it ain’t happening!

But here’s the rub. Byrne sold millions of books and became wealthy as a result. This would not have happened had she called the book Positive Vibes or Applied Planet Mechanics. It’s because she called it The Secret and revealed it to the world. The content was largely tosh, but the promise and reveal was masterful.

Other people HAVE become wealthy on the back of the book, but not many. They too have peddled the twaddle in Secretion Workshops, Webinars, and DVD’s, knowing the secret is all in the reveal.

So for those who love bullet points, you need to;

  • Make Up Secrets, ensuring a strong link to ancient wisdom (punters like that)
  • Market the promise with suspense and intrigue, and
  • Perfect your revealing skills, always leaving something to the imagination

Examples might include

  • Victoria’s Secret – How to achieve the perfect muffin top without VPL
  • Harry Ramsden’s Chamber of Secrets – Avoid the Mushy Pea Palaver
  • Secrets of the Wealth Accelerators – Collaborating to sell 33 (or was it 32?) times more books
  • Official Secrets Act IV, pt 1, – Leveraging What You Line Know, About Line2 Who You Know

secret-sauceIMPORTANT ADVICE: Never reveal your Secret Sauce in the marketing copy. Just like real secret sauces and recipes, there is nothing really special in it, and people are just being polite when they say they love it.


We have been searching the urinals of time for a solution to the problem of a low prostate numbers in our sales funnel. At some time in business, you have to pay a Lead Generation God, like myself.

While studying some ancient Sanskrit texts I found down the back of the chair in which my Grandad died, I came across a scientific discovery by one of the original, ancient Guru’s, Waranus Buffetus. A well educated man in the science of groat alchemy, he founded the First Law of Wealth: To be Rich, Mix with the Poor!

It was pure genius. Waranus almost certainly created a stink at the time. Many of his peers were advocating the “Follow and Bottom Feed” principles of Mixing with Millionaires.

Think about it. Important distinction coming up – there are millions MORE Poor people in the world than Rich. It’s like I discovered a new neesh market AND it was multiple generations deep. If I could live, eat, smell and think like the Poor, I could serve and fleece them well.

So has it worked for me?

YOU BETCHA! I was literally ROCKED off my toadstool.

I got so many leads applying this principle, my funnel literally overflowed. The rest, is history…

I wouldn’t be where I am today, including first hand experiences of the odd legal action, insolvency and debt issues, without following Buffetus’s First Law of Wealth.

Mixing with the Poor has provided me with both Motivation and Market Insight. I have managed to create enough wealth in the local community to ensure they can pay my reassuringly expensive fees, from the bottom to the very top of my 4-FT product staircase.

In addition, they see me for who I truly am – a God!


A Selfie I took on the way to doing a MASSIVE deal with the Hubble Bubble guys.

And That’s Pure Rocket Fuel.

These ancient discoveries don’t come along very often. But when they do, WOWZER!!

Now go forth, create, excite and manage those secretions well my Purple Posse.





Probably the Best Mastermind in the World


If I ran a Mastermind programme for Entrepreneurs/ Business Owners, it would probably be the best in the world…oh but wait! I DO and it IS!

Twin Brother Tony & Me

Twin Brothers Tony & Little Al

My 4-FT (Finominal Transfiguration) Mastermind is an AMAZINGLY POWERFUL programme that I ripped from my twin brother Tony Robbins (stage name), and made it even BETTER. Like I do.

First things first, I need to clear up a myth about Masterminds. Contrary to popular belief AND Napolean Hill in his book “Think and Grow Rich”, Masterminds are not about every member giving feedback, advice and support for each other, creating a collective mind more powerful than the sum of the individuals. They are a platform for Guru’s like me to show just how great our advice is. We get to trash other peoples ideas and use member’s questions to blow our own petards, name drop, use cheesy sound bites and listen to the magnificence of our own voices.tagr

BTW – it’s impossible to “think and grow rich” – what a plonker. I tried it once. Didn’t work. And that’s what you call “imperical evidence.”

The really really cool thing about my 4-FT Mastermind is the economics. Each member pays a premium to be part of my exclusive group. My punters pay just under 10 large, each. The only thing I have to organise, is a swanky hotel conference room for nine monthly meetings. (It doesn’t actually cost me anything because I don’t pay hotel invoices. I just move to another hotel when they threaten legal action.)

In addition, we are about to get away with my 2014 cohorts to Portugal for a few days, so that the group can admire me some more. This doesn’t cost me a solitary penny because we arrange it so that the punters pay a room rate that includes my room etc. (Result!)

Portugal Mastermind Hotel

Portugal Mastermind Hotel

What gets really interesting on these Portugal trips, is that the environment of a swimming pool, palm trees, deck chairs and cheap fizz makes the group go like, all spiritual. It’s like they experience some universal conversion or somefink. They start talking about the universe aligning to make them successful, and this karma suitra feng shoey stuff.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-Hindhu or anything. Some of my best friends are Hindhuans. It’s just a little weird when they thank ME for it all. Although the hugging is mmmarvelous when your short. Anyway, that’s why I call it the 4-FT Mastermind – its a mastermind for (4) finominal (F) transfiguration (T). Cool huh?

I know you are really desperate for my for my Mastermind Secrets. Normally the retail price on these secrets is upwards of $20k. Today though, I’m not charging you $2k, not even $2. Today they’re FREE!

So here they are. Hold on to your delicates ‘cos these SECRETS are going to ROCK your world:

1. Pick yourself a cool name for the group, like 4-FT. Do NOT use “Housewives of Beverley Hills” or “The Entrepreneurs Circle” because they sound like Porn films. These titles will just attract hundreds of jerks on their way to blindness.

2. Really go-to-town on the power words that sell. Talk about the POWER of the Mastermind, the BREAKTHROUGHS, the SECRETS and the FINOMINAL results in any marketing material.

3. Never reveal what is actually in the Programme.  Firstly, you can then wing it without anyone noticing, and secondly, it adds to the mystery and secrecy which punters love.

4. Only make it accessible to the UNinquisitive people, who can find the cash up front. Smart asses are never welcome in my experience.

5. Only put people in the Hot Seat who will talk about problems you can solve.

6. Always leave the most difficult issues to last so that you can always suggest leaving them for another day

7. Never let the group take over. YOU are the Mastermind.

8. Always get Testimonials after the drinks and weird universe stuff.

9. Post on Facebook about what AMAZING transfigurations took place. Include pictures of lots of scribbles on Flipcharts (you can get these off Google Images), and members sat around tables in the restaurant with the caption “Bet YOU wish you were here.”

10. When you get back home, always complain about how stressful it was being “on stage” 24×7 to ensure maximum sycophancy.

There you have it. A Mastermind created by a Mastermind. 🙂

As always, let me know how you get on with my fabulous advice.

Rich Guru, Poor Guru


Poor Guru

Little Al Pavins

Rich Guru

Hooray! Uncle Bob is coming to London at the end of September!

I can already feel my pants getting heavy.

Uncle Bob is a really famous dude from the island, who’s claim to fame is that he was on Oprah one time.

He also writ a book about having two Dads, (or was it DooDads?).

I felt sorry for Uncle Bob when I found out he had two Dads fighting over him. Families really suck when that happens. I think that was the reason he got into real estate. It was basically a strategy to hide from his Dads.

Uncle Bob gave me some sound advice. He said “During hard times, assets feed you, and liabilities eat you.” Even when he was drunk, he was on message with “If it Flies, Floats or Fkucs – Rent It.”

I rent everything, from my home, car, computers, desks, chairs, clocks and coffee makers. In fact my wife Peggy even has a Collision Damage Waiver on her as part of our pre-nup. Nothing of value is going to appear on MY Balance Sheet thank you very much. Like Uncle Bob though, I do have a house that I rent out. While the mortgage lender owns the vast majority of my 3-bed semi, the rest is MINE. It does pay not to have much in your name for those moments when you want to screw someone. It means they are less likely to take legal action against you, yay!

Am not sure that Uncle Bob really understood what he was saying. He said you couldn’t get rich quick with two Dads, but applying his lessons, I feel really rich, and my clients think I am too. I have all the toys, including the Audi Q5 with a personal plate (rented of course) When I’m on stage and show a picture of my car, the audience just swoons. It’s really cool.

Let’s face the truth here. Everyone wants to get rich quick right? Why wait or slog your guts out for years? You do what you have to do, even if that includes pooping on a few people on the way up. So my killer advice is:

1. Read a really cool book like Two Dads by Uncle Bob

2. Misunderstand it the best you can and misquote it often

3. “Improve it” to a get rich quick format

4. Never, ever, practice what you preach

5. Milk the Intellectual property until you get the Stop & Desist letter.

6. Move on to your next book.

Do let me know how you get on implementing this amazing strategy.

Until next time…

Robert-Kiyosaki-Panerai-Egiziano Buy tickets to see Uncle Bob here…




The 7 Signs of Marketing


signs of marketing

Don’t shoot the Messenger! they cry. But when your Messenger is your marketing dude, it could be a darn good thing to do.

There is a lot of bad marketing advice out there, and if you are not careful, you will find yourself being successful at generating leads for your sales pipeline. We all need to know how to crash and burn at marketing to prevent any accidental sales.

I have observed many signs of marketing and I urge you to note these 7 right here…

7 Signs of Marketing